I am what i am.......

...........And what i am needs no excuses

As a child you try to please, you change, you do what you think you should do..And learn some life lessons by doing so... Hopefully.

Through school you change and become what you think you need to be to please your parents (especially the pushy ones), you change to try to please your peers, more so if you are feeling insecure, you try to be what the teachers want you to be, to be top of the class, top sports man, best friend, most popular...Oh the stress and pressure.

And so it continues through teenage years into early adulthood.

You want to please your employer's, make new friends, impress a new partner, all ongoing changes to be the person these people want.

Then it stops...

Now I no longer feel it, is it having kids? Is it being grown up? ( Hmm) But I totally do not feel the need to impress, be something I am not, be fake to please others, take me or leave me this is me!
I have a small circle of good friends, that's enough, who needs the stress of keeping a million 'friends' happy. I have my family (ies)

At times yes i feel I am mum more than 'me' but I guess that is 'me' now, my little people are more important than anything or anyone that has ever been in my life and that makes me realise, who needs the drama of constantly keeping others happy.

It's good to feel comfortable with who you are, knowing you don't need to be anything else, or more importantly care about what others think, because they don't affect me in my life with what's important.

Stop and think about your life, is who matters the people that get your time and thoughts, or is it wasted on those that are not...Give up stressing over what the work colleagues think, the kids teachers, the neighbours, the fake friends. Be you and focus on your important people, it's quite liberating to finally say, I Don't Care!!!

Who was that?

Feeling lost? Changed? Wondering what happened to that person? That life? Do I still exist?

Many questions I ask and things i feel since kids, as much as I love them it's so different now, I am not that person, most times I am nothing more than 'mum' , no other identity or status, that is difficult, and I really do not mean that I am ungrateful for being a 'mum', i am so grateful for the two miracles in my life, but I want to be me sometimes, I want to have choices, be selfish, be impulsive, just have an empty head, no plans, no agenda, no routine, no organising everyone's day, just nothing!

Kids have stripped me and rebuilt me, to what they need and want, and that is hard to get used to, no longer is it important what i need, that i get a lie in, a day in front of TV when the outside world is just too hard to deal with, to get more than a 5 min bath/ shower is never happening, to have first choice of anything -no chance, right down to having time to have a relationship with dad, nope, not happening, we may as well be strangers. The carefree life has been replaced by anxiety and worry, all those things you just wouldn't think of cause you sleepless nights now, and as mum you just suck it up and get on with it, the person you were is gone.

We mould our lives to what is best, and often what is best isn't what is best for us, it's best for the family, the kids, even daddy, so where does mum fit in? Fill the gaps, plug the holes and don't ask for anything different or it may just fall down or sink. So what mum would let that happen? We just keep plugging, filling gaps to keep things going, yet become more invisible as a person with a life or needs, but would we have it any other way? We are -  Simply 'mum'