Feeling lost? Changed? Wondering what happened to that person? That life? Do I still exist?
Many questions I ask and things i feel since kids, as much as I love them it's so different now, I am not that person, most times I am nothing more than 'mum' , no other identity or status, that is difficult, and I really do not mean that I am ungrateful for being a 'mum', i am so grateful for the two miracles in my life, but I want to be me sometimes, I want to have choices, be selfish, be impulsive, just have an empty head, no plans, no agenda, no routine, no organising everyone's day, just nothing!
Kids have stripped me and rebuilt me, to what they need and want, and that is hard to get used to, no longer is it important what i need, that i get a lie in, a day in front of TV when the outside world is just too hard to deal with, to get more than a 5 min bath/ shower is never happening, to have first choice of anything -no chance, right down to having time to have a relationship with dad, nope, not happening, we may as well be strangers. The carefree life has been replaced by anxiety and worry, all those things you just wouldn't think of cause you sleepless nights now, and as mum you just suck it up and get on with it, the person you were is gone.
We mould our lives to what is best, and often what is best isn't what is best for us, it's best for the family, the kids, even daddy, so where does mum fit in? Fill the gaps, plug the holes and don't ask for anything different or it may just fall down or sink. So what mum would let that happen? We just keep plugging, filling gaps to keep things going, yet become more invisible as a person with a life or needs, but would we have it any other way? We are - Simply 'mum'